Wait A Second…Rick Fox?

After I finished writing about Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns in the weekly “In Theaters” post two weeks ago I thought that would be the last time I would have to mention it. Then I was looking at random reviews over at The A.V. Club when I noticed a familiar face. Yes folks, former L.A. baller Rick Fox is now an actor. To my surprise this isn’t even his first role. I guess he also had some parts in Ugly Betty and One Tree Hill. You can assume that some all-stars will make inroads into music or movies but Rick Fox? I thought that came out of nowhere. In light of my discovery I decided to pick five of my favorite basketball players turned actors and have them compete for the coveted number one position. The only downside is that being number one on this list actually means you’re a loser. Sorry Rick but you don’t make the list. You weren’t great at basketball and that means it isn’t half as fun watching you suck at acting. (Disclaimer: I haven’t seen any of Fox’s acting so I shouldn’t be judging him.)

5. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: This is the only person on this list where I’ll admit some of his roles were O.K. He managed to get in marginally funny movies like Airplane back in the 80’s but then there was a distinct turning point once he landed his role in an Ernest movie (Slam Dunk Ernest to be exact). As a kid I used to love all the Ernest films but watching them again is enough to make anyone give up being a movie reviewer. I’ve never encountered a more annoying character (ok, maybe Steve Erkel takes the cake). This brings up a much bigger question. Why must every ex-basketball player turned actor be in a sports film?

4. Michael Jordan: If you ask anyone on the street what basketball players have been in movies they’ll probably say Jordan first. But it wasn’t enough for Jordan to be one of the best basketball players of all time, he also had to test his luck at acting. I think most of us were blinded by how great of a basketball player he was that we couldn’t picture him being bad at something. That something was acting and that movie was Space Jam. True, it was charming but I credit this to Bill Murray and the Looney Tunes. The whole movie felt like a bad celebrity appearance on Sesame Street, the only thing missing was a word of the day or something stupid like that.

3. Wilt Chamberlain: I almost didn’t want to include Wilt on the list considering the only movie he ever appeared in is a guilty pleasure of my own. As a little kid I was attracted to any movie with big battles and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s giant man boobs. I’m talking about Conan The Destroyer. Wilt, as the trailer so accurately proclaims, plays “the warrior” named Bombaata. I guess the only way a sequel like this could work is by pumping up the star power. Wilt hands down does a brilliant job. That is, if you consider brilliant acting the ability to grunt a lot. The worst part about it is that he somehow managed to make Arnold look like an Oscar winning actor. That’s no small feat considering how horrible Arnold has proved himself to be time and time again (just watch Batman & Robin and you’ll know what I’m talking about). In this case, Wilt riding a horse while throwing around a puny sword didn’t help anyone either.

2. Dennis Rodman: Rodman’s acting career has been a treat so far. He wasn’t able to pick up bigger roles like some of the other people in this list but that doesn’t mean his acting isn’t just as horrible. Perhaps his biggest role was in 1997’s Double Team where he starred opposite of Jean-Claude Van Damme. The worst thing about his role in Double Team is that he ends up playing himself. With lines like “good defense wins the game” (he was known for his defense skills during his time in the NBA) and “The last guy that made fun of my hair is still trying to pull his head outta his ass” you almost expect him to walk out in his wedding dress all over again. By far the best part of his career is the title of his biopic “Bad As I Wanna Be.” I think that sums it up quite nicely.

1. Shaquille O’Neal: I think pretty much anyone and everyone saw this coming. Most people remember his horrible role as Kazaam, the ghetto genie stuck in a, it kills me to say it, boom box. By now most people have forgotten Steel, I have the unfortunate role of reminding you about it. It managed to get O’Neal nominated for a Razzie (that’s not a good thing). His performance landed him a small role in Dr. Dre’s The Wash which is possibly the single worst thing that Dre’s ever done. Writing all of this obviously got me thinking. What role could Shaq excel at? I think I’ve found the perfect and only solution to that answer — Bombaata in a remake of Conan the Destroyer.

Anyone notice a common theme about this list? After I made it, I took a look back and noticed every single one of these players has some sort of relation to the Los Angeles Lakers (Jordan and Rodman were both coached by Phil Jackson in Chicago). I guess that means you can say L.A. is the worst place for basketball players to go if they have dreams of becoming an actor. Kind of ironic when you consider where Hollywood is located.